Look, okay, with the benefit of hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have booked the cabin at all. I’m a camping kind of guy, not a glamper or whatever they call it, but the girls didn’t want to sleep in a tent on a cold night in Michigan, and I thought, “What’s the worst thing that could happen?”, and, let me tell you, if I knew then what I know now, I would have answered that question very differently.
We really should’ve just gone camping, though.
Who keeps a book that opens a portal to hell in an AirBnB? Like, this, specifically, seems like the kind of thing you don’t want your guests to screw around with. Safes aren’t even that expensive now, we have some Safe Home 25 models at S-Mart that are, like, a hundred bucks, and those come with our reliable S-Mart Guarantee. Books bound in human skin are really rare, you know? They’re super expensive! Why would you just leave one lying around a house you’re renting out to strangers? Who does that? I honestly can’t believe it was even there, you’d think some previous guest would’ve stolen it long before now. I mean, the place had good reviews, it’s not like the book ate every guest.
I’m sure you’ve heard all the gory details by now, but I’m going to tell you something. The ax thing? I know that sounds like it was excessive, but, listen, you weren’t there. Everybody was already on edge, I mean, shit, we had to lock my own sister in the basement. I know people think Scott overreacted, but what are you going to do? Until you’ve seen a possessed, decapitated head tell you that you’re going to die, I feel like you don’t really get to judge what someone does when they do, you know?
Fuck camping, we should have just gone to a hotel, man. I saw some package deal for Cabo that was definitely more expensive, but it was one of those inclusive joints where you can drink pitchers of margaritas and eat shitty tacos by the pool. But noooo, I just had to go hiking in the woods. Idiot.
So, anyway, yeah, what you’ve heard was true. I lost my best friend, my sister, and my girlfriend to those things. We kept thinking that all we needed to do was hold out until dawn, and I was able to do that, but they weren’t. I don’t like to talk about it very much, it was a long time ago, and it’s still hard to think about it.
Actually, that’s wrong, it will happen a long time in the future. I mean, whatever, you don’t even know what I’m talking about, all this doesn’t happen for a thousand more years. You don’t even know what an AirBnB is. Hell, you probably don’t even know what a cabin is. Right now, there are, like, maybe 50 books in the world, and none of you screwheads are ever going to be able to read a single one of them. Arthur C. Clarke had that thing about sufficiently advanced technology being indistinguishable from magic, and, boy, he got that right, all of you think I’m some kind of demon hunting wizard just because I was able to bolt a Homelite XL-12 to my stump. I don’t even know what I’m going to do when I run out of gas, I’m not even sure gas exists in this garbage dump yet. How long does it take dinosaurs to turn into gas? Why am I asking you, you don’t know what dinosaurs or gas are. Do you even know what the future is?
This sucks, man, this isn’t even my fault. Sure, I’m the one that opened up the book, but it’s not like I knew what was going to happen. Who expects a stupid book to open up a portal to hell? All I wanted to do was hang out with my friends, bang my girlfriend and get some hiking in, and now, look at me, I’m stuck here with all of you losers, fighting off demons that even I can’t understand while all of you peasants treat me like some kind of minor god, which, to be perfectly honest with you, is a lot more awkward than any of you seem to realize. All I want to do is get back home and go back to my normal life and my normal job at the store. That’s it.
Anyway, with the benefit of hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have booked the cabin at all.
GOLIKEHELLMACHINE 