Years ago, some degenerate friends of mine and I once stole a fire hydrant off the sidewalk in the middle of the night (it was disconnected from the water and the sidewalk for some reason), threw it into the trunk of a friend’s 1960s Chevy Malibu, dragged it up the stairs to the slum apartment we rented, and dropped out of the back window of the apartment.
You really have no idea how heavy a fire hydrant is — usually no less than 150lbs — until you’ve stolen one and tried to drag it up three flights of stairs. It went down much easier than it went up. It did a number on the alley street below, but we made sure no one was around, and other than some seriously cracked concrete and an almost entirely undamaged chunk of cast iron, no real harm was done.
Why did we do this? Well, alcohol, for one. Mostly alcohol, actually. In fact, I’d venture to say this was entirely an alcohol-inspired petty crime. Why am I sharing this with you? Well, it’s funny you should ask!
Introducing…
All of us, at one point — or many — in our lives have done something stupid, insane, dangerous or hilarious. Frequently, you might combine two or more of these descriptors into a single activity, and many times, whatever you’re doing might be all these things at once.
I’m a connoisseur of these stories, as I am personally a Million Miler Frequent Flyer on the Idiot Express. I’ve forgotten more of the ill-advised and ridiculous and foolish and dangerous things that I’ve done in my life than I remember. But I’d like to hear about yours.
The basics
Tales of Madness! is a fun, lightweight project in which I solicit your tales of madness, edit and format them, then publish them anonymously, for fun and (zero) profit. I’ve setup a Google Voice inbox where you can leave voicemail messages up to three minutes, telling your own tale of madness.
But before that, let’s get to…
The rules
I am not a lawyer, which means I’m definitely not your lawyer. If the tale you want to tell involves criminal acts for which you’re worried you might one day be caught, I’d recommend you keep it for your friends at the library. If the tale you wish to tell is one of cruelty, or gratuitous violence, or punching down, I’m not interested.
There are plenty of places and ways in the world to tell serious stories, but this isn’t going to be one of them. But, that doesn’t mean you need to be a comedian to tell the story of that time you dropped acid and ran naked through the Easter parade.
I don’t care if your story is true, and I’m not looking for names or confirmations. I may take a few creative liberties with your story in terms of editing or formatting if I see an opportunity to ham it up a little, but only if I can do so in a way that doesn’t make you look bad (or worse, depending on the story).
These are bar stories, not memoirs — if you leave me a story that takes you more than one three-minute message to tell, it had better be a very, very good one.
How to tell your tale
Here’s how it works: call the number, leave a message up to 3 minutes.
Once I’ve transcribed your message, I’m deleting it, and I’ll never contact you from this number, nor will I ever share it for any promotional or marketing purpose.
Let’s have some very stupid fun together.
Tales of Madness hotline
Contact the Tales of Madness! hotline at (971) 202-0326, or by clicking or tapping the button below. Once you hear the beep, you’ll have three minutes to tell your tale.
Note: If you’d like to ensure anonymity, you can add *67 before dialing the number, but be advised that you’ll be asked for your name to filter spam and bots. Feel free to make one up.
GOLIKEHELLMACHINE 